Laugh Loud and Often

I was at the super-grocery chain Safeway at 4am (thus, a late afternoon posting) and this blog entry came to mind ... It makes sense there should be 24-hr grocery stores, seeing that one of man's pre-occupations as a pre-modern hunter-gatherer was the constant search for food. On with the entry ...

What has happened to the cereal aisle at the supermarket? Breakfast cereals used to be tied directly to Saturday morning cartoons ... now the boxes are just as random as the mismatched socks coming out of the machines at a public launderette.

Though General Mills and Kellogg's dominate the shelves, Quaker Oats, Post and Nestle can still be seen scattered about, mostly in the lower shelves. Between you, me and the lamppost, nowadays I prefer the generic barcode-labeled brands. It is without a doubt that devotion to the Roman goddess of grain and harvest Ceres (hence, the etymology for "cereal") is very much alive; the clown under the Golden Arches has nothing on this babe when it comes to the most important meal of the day. Some boxes catching my attention ...

Kellogg's Cornflakes: Cornelius the green rooster has much to cock-a-doodle-do about: he iconize America's first breakfast cereal. At the turn of the 1900's, the Kellogg's brothers (Will & John) initially developed corn flakes for scientific purposes. Under the employment of a Seventh-Day Adventist (Ellen Harmon White), the Kellogg brothers were trying to improve and treat mental health through a no-nonsense vegetarian diet. This is nicely "documented" in the comedy flick, "The Road to Wellville," with the star cast of boyish Matthew Broderick, charming Anthony Hopkins, out-spoken Bridget Fonda, anorexic Laura Flynn Boyle, next-door-type John Cusack and funny-man Dana Carvey. Trivia: Cornelius used to talk, he's been silenced now.

The Trix Rabbit. How messed up it is that the poor Rabbit is constantly frustrated by the kids, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids". The tribulations of the Rabbit is the modern day retelling of the Greek tragic myth of Tantalus; the cereal is forever just out of reach. The kids are psychologically demented and knowingly evil in keeping the Rabbit from his goal of a Trix cereal bowl. What is inherently so cool about Trix cereal that it is only for kids? Trivia: Twice the Trix Rabbit got to eat a bowl of Trix; once in 1976, and again in 1980 following a box-top voting campaigns.

Cocoa Puffs: Unlike the Trix Rabbit, Sonny is a cuckoo bird that is just insane and he lets us know this, "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs". I overheard years ago a mother's response to her kids, "No, we can't get that. I don't want you to go crazy like that bird." Either she was a smart shopper, or I wasn't aware of secret ingredients in Cocoa Puffs.

Special K: To my surprise this is still a cereal; I often hear about "special k" in a different context ... usually with the music blaring and the strobe lights drawing me into the masses.

Rice Krispies: The three cereal rockstar elves could easily have been based on Freud's ego (Snap!), super-ego (Crackle!) and id (Pop!). The marketing folks at Kellogg's are in denial over this fact ... typical.

Frosted Flakes: Tony-the-Tiger told us, "They're Gr-r-reat!" Sure, anything coated with sugar is bound to be great. Third-graders know from science class that the tongue is sensitive to sweet, salt, sour and bitter (and umami, re: MSG); and by six-grade, that the taste buds evolved to better help us survive in finding nutritious, sugar-rich foods. Trivia #1: For a while in the 1970's, Tony had an entire family, including a son, wife, and a daughter, Antoinette. Trivia #2: All vertebrates (animals with a backbone), except hagfish, have taste buds.

Lucky Charms: Lucky's full name is L.C. Leprechaun, and he touts his cereal as being "magically delicious". The colorful marshmallows (technically called 'marbits) are: Pink Hearts, Orange Stars, Green Clovers-in-Hats, Blue Moons, Purple Horseshoes, Red Balloons, Orange-and-Yellow Pots of Gold, and 3-color Rainbows. Trivia: the current 5-pointed star was originally introduced as 6-pointed; read into it what you will.

In early 1999, General Mills celebrated an "Around the World Event" with globally famous marshmallow shapes. These were: Green-and-Yellow Torch, Gold Pyramid, Blue Eiffel Tower, Orange Golden Gate Bridge, Purple Liberty Bell, Pink-and-White Leaning Tower of Pisa, Red-and-White Big Ben Clock, and Green-and-White Alps.

Froot Loops: Toucan Sam, "Follow your nose, it always knows..." The original three flavors were orange, lemon, and cherry; new flavors that have been added since include blueberry, strawberry, banana and melonberry. If not for Toucan Sam, I doubt that most Americans would even know what a toucan is, much less believe such a fabulous bird exists.

Cap'n Crunch: Born and raised on Crunch Island, Horatio Crunch sailed the Milk Sea in his ship, the S.S. Guppy, with his first mate, Seadog, and crew of four kids. Their mission is to keep the cargo hold of cereal from falling into the hands of Jean LaFoote the Barefoot Pirate ("You can't get away with the Crunch, because the crunch always gives you away."). Trivia: According to Quaker Oats, the Cap'n was once promoted to Admiral; unrelated, Admiral Crunch made a cameo appearance in the second episode of Futurama.

Super Sugar Crisp: The suave and wisecracking Sugar Bear is just too cool, and stoned. Unlike the Trix Rabbit or Sunny the cuckoo bird, he chants that he has a bottomless appetite for the sugar crisps, "Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp... Sugar Crisp... Sugar Crisp... Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp... It keeps me going strong". Though the cereal has been retired, I suspect the Bear's sugar crisp continues to double as Scooby's snack.

PROMOTIONAL/SPECIAL CEREALS:
E.T. (1984), the extra-terrestrial, represented his own peanut butter and chocolate flavored crispy sweetened 2-grain cereal, after staring as the title character in Steven Spielberg's highly successful movie.

Jurassic Park T-Rex Skeleton: Jurassic Park - The Lost World was the Summer 1997 sequel to Jurassic Park. The cereal was not a big hit at the check-out counters, and, thus, there was no follow-up Jurassic treat.

Krusty the Clown: The clown from the Simpsons has his own children's show and endorses a lot of bad products including three cereals: Krusty Brand Cereal with FREE Flesh Eating Bacteria inside every box; Krusty Brand Cereal ("Krusty-Os") which come with a FREE jagged metal Krusty-O in every box; and Chocolate Frosted Frosty Krusty Flakes "only sugar has more sugar".

Strawberry Shortcake: In the ealry 80's, this studmuffin was a popular doll licensed to have her own cereal. General Mills also tried short-lived test versions of her friends Blueberry Muffin and Orange Blossom. Strawberry Shortcake and her friends could not get along with Count Chocula and his friends, so neither were asked back to the breakfast table.

Cheerios: The hard-working Honey Bee was upstaged a few times ... most notably when Bugs Bunny celebrated his 50th Birthday on boxes of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios in 1990.

Wheaties: Dubbed the "Breakfast of Champions," this cereal is the cornerstone of product endorsement for any accomplished athlete. Of the many athletes gracing the box, pixie gold-medal Olympic gymnast Mary Lou Retton remains my Wheaties-cover girl from the 1984 box.

Smurfs: Smurf-Berry Crunch and Smurf Magic Berries were introduced to take advantage of the popularity of this Saturday morning cartoon. There was always speculation about the non-romantic relationship between Papa Smurf and Smurfette.

Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs: Calvin of "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip has been known to eat Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs which Calvin says are "tasty, lip-smacking, crunchy-on-the-outside, chewy-on-the-inside, and they don't have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich, fudgy taste." Hobbes says the cereal makes his heart skip and likens this cereal to "eating a bowl of milk duds".

Healthy breakfast cereals continue to lack in coolness factor -- obvious choices are Amish-endorsed Quaker Oats oatmeal, no-frill generic muesli or misnomered Post Grape-Nuts (it contains neither) cereal. I decided to go for a couple of just-delivered Krispy Kreme doughnut and donut to go with my coffee.